It’s Sunday, and I’m tired. Its 1:30 in the morning and I’m here awake, rocking in my hammock outside dazing into my phone screen. I lay here and think about all the valuable and essential factors my heart has taught me over the past year and how much I have grown as a person in all aspects of life. I can say without a doubt that it’s been one hell of a year. I lost, learned, experienced and forgave but I also grew and became stronger as a person.
I lost parts of myself and gained new parts, parts that were wiser, kinder, softer, bolder, and parts that roared in new ways. I found happiness in my own arms, and in the arms of people who settled inside my soul. I discovered friendship. The kind that leaves you smiling at the memory of easy experiences and endless laughter for years to come. I also lost love, the one I thought was forever. Losing a huge part of me too.
And for the very first time I experienced heart break. I experienced someone breaking up with me and loss. Heartbreak is definitely one of those things that you cannot understand or even comprehend until you go through it yourself. I didn’t. I thought I got it, I thought from my high school infatuations that didn’t turn out, from the silly boys I cried over, and all the sad love stories I watched in movies that I could empathize with heartbreak. But those didn’t compare one bit. My heart honestly felt like it broke into a thousand pieces and the strong foundation I thought sat beneath me, shattered too. The hardest part of it for me was that there was no fix, no cure. I couldn’t get rid of the intensity of how I felt. The sadness and feeling of loss wouldn’t go away and I honestly couldn’t see a time that it would. We all deal with heartbreak in different ways. Some throw themselves straight into a new relationship, some into food, some into substances, some into work and some into travel. My heartbreak encouraged me to push my career forward and concentrate on strengthening my personal foundations. To work on yourself is the best thing you can do. Doors and pathways start opening when you put yourself first, when you spend time with yourself. You begin to gain an understanding on life and love that you never thought you would be able to and that…..
SOMETIMES YOUR HEART NEEDS MORE TIME TO ACCEPT WHAT YOUR MIND ALREADY KNOWS.
Time is the most important factor in life. There is sometimes never enough of it but it’s also a never ending figure when it comes to healing from something that has caused you grief or pain. Time to heal yourself, to believe in yourself and to love yourself again is not a set amount of time, there is no limit, and it should never be rushed or forced to a certain time frame. Allow yourself to feel the rawness of different emotions, and take as much time as you need to work through them. Because time can’t be fast forward, it can’t be paused and it can be rewound. So take as much of it as you need to heal completely from what has caused you pain.
What I have begun to recognise in myself is that, more often than not, the fear of letting go isn’t really that at all, but a fear of trying again. It’s not really about the person you have left, but all the uncertainty and possible disappointment that now lies on the road ahead. Letting them go seems unthinkable to us, and discovering one again, frightening at best so we hit pause on our lives while we standby indefinitely feeling sorry for ourselves. We withdraw from the world and keep to ourselves completely disinterested of any new potential love interests that come our way. Well, hell no with that. We deserve better. We must come to understand that the people who tear our hearts to pieces do not have the power to put them back together, not even if they wanted to. That only we have the tools, care, and understanding within ourselves to make our heart strong and whole again.
In life we often loose ourselves in the course of it all and we sometimes forget to pick ourselves back up again. We then wonder, why isn’t anything ever working out for us? It’s not working out because you aren’t focusing on YOURSELF. You begin to check if the grass is greener on the other side and forget to water your own plants. You begin to wonder why are they happy and why can’t you be happy? It’s all about mindset and how you view your life in your hands. Learning to love yourself is one of the greatest things, hardest too of course but believe me, it is memorable. From learning how to tell yourself every day that you are beautiful, to realizing every single thing you have to offer to the world, to finally feeling comfortable in the silence of your own home. I know that I certainly wouldn’t have achieved the extent of what I have in the last 13 months if it wasn’t for being single, strong and independent. You see, being single is a damn privilege and if you are single use this as an incredible opportunity to get to know yourself inside out, to invest in yourself and in your long term happiness. Please don’t listen so deeply to society and feel like you aren’t complete without a boyfriend or that you aren’t enough because you don’t have one. You are enough and you are completely whole as a human being without one.
YOU ARE YOU, AND THAT IS ENOUGH.
Moving on, and the reality of this phrase in all honestly I don’t think anybody could ever describe to you. What they did in full sentences in order to move on or how they got rid of the feelings that ran through their veins because in all honesty, we simply sum it up with “it takes time.” Which is true. Moving on does not come easy and I feel everyone needs to understand that. You’ll go through days and nights feeling as if you are the absolute tiniest spec on this planet to feeling the happiest, just to come home and cry yourself to sleep. We all look for distractions and we look for things to block the thought of what we are moving on from. Moving on takes time, and that is something you can’t rush.
No matter what happens, there is always something positive that you can take out of every ended relationship. If it lasted seven years or four months, that other person you connected so deeply with has taught you something. Even if this relationship didn’t go the way that I wanted it too, I’m proud of myself for being able to actually move on. I know now that I’m capable of doing so and when the time is right I’ll find someone again. It’s been said that life begins at the end of your comfort zone. For most of my teen/adult life, I’ve been comfortable with someone else by my side. Even though it’s hard at times and I honestly do get lonely. I feel like I can start over now and be ok. I know I’m going to be ok. The pain will lessen. The clouds will lift and the sun will shine again. Every day you breathe it’s clear that you’re living your life without that other person. It really is a powerful thing to know, at least for me.
MY WORLD ENDED THE DAY HE LEFT, BUT MY LIFE DIDN’T.